Fear Confrontation: Sharing Myself

During class yesterday we were asked to go around the room and say a moment when we felt a strong calling to do something or feel a certain way. When it came to my turn I took the easy way out and chose to share something that isn't terribly revealing about myself. I shared a story about feeling the need to travel abroad throughout high school, which is true, but I was contemplating talking about a different moment in my life, one in which I felt my strongest calling. I decided against it because it would be too scary to reveal that part of myself to a room full of mostly strangers. I thought about this last night, and today I decided to, quite appropriately, share it on my blog.

One day when I was 13, I was lying on the couch watching tv with my parents and I started shaking, as if I was having a seizure. My mom took me to the hospital and at some point in the waiting room, everything went dark. When I woke up again, I didn't know who I was, who my mother was, or why I was in a hospital. My mom tried to tell me who she was, but I didn't believe her. I was rushed into a white room, where I was given a spinal tap. I didn't understand what was going on, so I was kicking and screaming a lot. My mom was visibly upset and had to leave the room, so I felt really vulnerable in there with the doctors. It was the scariest thing I've ever experienced.

The next day, I was in a lot of pain, which continued for about 2 months. A couple of doctors came in to talk to me to figure out what had happened and help me relearn my life. My mom was with me the whole time. She told me things about myself that I couldn't remember. When she told me that I had a sister I was really excited. Something clicked at that point that made me believe she was really my mother. Despite everything I had just been through with the spinal tap, something told me to trust her.

I'm not ashamed of this time in my life, nor am I sad about it. I just prefer to share it with people I know will understand. This is where a few of my other fears stem from - needles, because of the spinal tap, and showing my back, because I have a few large scars. I want the overcome these, just as much, if not more than my other fears. I've tried to get over the self-consciousness gradually, but I'm still not entirely comfortable. Maybe an upcoming fear confrontation will deal with my fear of needles, who knows...