Some Updates

Being Alone: Still putting it off. Although I have watched the hypnosis video almost every night to fall asleep. I don't think it has much effect on my fear, it just gets me to sleep.

Needles: A week later, here is my arm:

It's green, yellow AND purple!

More Needles: Donating blood definitely did not get me over my fear of needles, so I'd like to do something else with that. There's a bone marrow donor registration this Friday that I'm considering. That would be more of a constant fear, since I would always be waiting to find out if I had to donate or not. We'll see.

Also, I read an article (titled "Is Your Personality Making You Fat") that said this:

How many times have you been skydiving?

Our image of adrenaline junkies usually involves people with the kinds of bodies that look amazing in jumpsuits and wet suits. However, an analysis by the National Institute on Aging (NIA) of more than 50 years of data from almost 2,000 people found that excitement seekers are more likely to be overweight or even obese. That's probably because when they're not jumping out of airplanes, they can always get a small rush by sneaking out for a midday margarita or blowing off the treadmill to go to a rock concert. 

I was expecting something a little more insightful from the title... I suppose that makes sense but the way that last sentence is phrased sounds like something anyone could have come up with. It sounds like an assumption rather than a valid conclusion.

Fear Confrontation: Needles

I donated blood this morning! Unfortunately, it was not as easy as I would have liked it to be, but it felt really nice to be helping others.

I went to the blood drive early this morning. They took down all my information as I got more and more nervous. Then a phlebotomist pricked my finger to check my iron. She said this is usually the worst part of the whole process. It almost was; my finger is still sore. Then I moved to the donation area and another phlebotomist put the needle in. It was pretty painful, despite what everyone had been telling me beforehand. And it turns out I was in pain for a reason. The needle was in my vein but no blood was flowing into the bag. My arm started to feel a little numb. The phlebotomist called someone over to help, who said that he could either take the needle out entirely or they could try again on my other arm. I didn't want to be in pain again, but I didn't want to quit either. So I said they could try again. It wasn't nearly as painful the second time and I kept pretty calm.

The phlebotomist said that the failed first attempt was his fault, but I think it was because I was making too tight of a fist. They gave me a ball to squeeze in my hand, and when he said to squeeze it, I assumed that meant to do it hard. The second time I was told to squeeze lightly. So it still was his fault, but maybe my fear inhibited me from successfully doing something for once! I was taking his instructions, but at the same time I probably would have clenched my fists on my own. Once I was able to relax a bit more, I was able to accomplish what I set out to do.

The whole experience was quite positive. I feel very pleased about what I did for myself and someone else. I would absolutely recommend participating in future blood drives. I would like to do it again someday. My first arm is still really sore, but I'm sure that won't happen again next time. Otherwise, everything went really well!
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WAIT I LIED. Just took off my bandaid and nearly vommed...

WHAT IS THAT?!?!!

I just Skyped my mom immediately (tethered and proud) and she said there's not much I can do... I'm still totally baffled... How did that happen?! It wasn't even as painful as it looks! That was from one prick of the needle! I'll post updates as this heals...

A Few Updates

Hypnosis- I tried a few more videos and they didn't go as well. They were fantastic for falling asleep but gave me the most awful dreams. I think I'm going to retry the the Being Alone video since that seems to be the only one that was pleasant. I'd also like to try watching one during the day to see if they are actually helping me fall asleep or if I'm just tired. Also, the Nail Biting video did absolutely nothing against my habit. Anyways, this was and continues to be a fascinating experience. I'd love to hear how it's affecting other people (is anyone trying this with me?). I showed it to one of my friends, who hated it.

Being Alone- I keep putting off this fear confrontation. I guess I want to do it at a time when I'm not too busy (so I don't feel as though I'm missing too much of the outside world). But that wouldn't really be too fear-inducing. I waste at least an hour a day on the internet, but for some reason I'm not motivated enough to use one of those hours to do the fear confrontation. I should probably do it tomorrow night, when I'll be busy getting all my work done for chem lab the next day, so that I get really anxious about completing everything. I hope this happens soon; I'm excited to do it. Starting is just difficult.

Needles- I'm happy to announce that a forthcoming fear confrontation will be dealing with something I am very much afraid of- needles! I signed up to donate blood next Wednesday. As scared as I am, this is also kind of exciting. I really appreciate the concept of blood donation, so I am happy to take part in it. I'm glad to suffer through a few minutes of fear to aid someone in need. I wanted to do the last blood drive but it was on my busy day of the week. This one is also on my busy day, so I decided to skip my fitness class in the morning. It's not a big deal since I get 3 skips for the semester and I've only used one. This will definitely be a worthwhile experience.

I Can't Believe I'm Doing This

Tonight I'm going to try something new. In my recent (google) search for more fears to explore, I came across some ads for hypnosis. Since I'm running out of things to blog about, here we go.

I searched Youtube for hypnosis and I found some guy named Rob who has 183 videos in which he whispers into a microphone. I lol'd. I'm going to try the Hypnosis for Being Alone video, since it's something I've talked about before and plan on exploring further. I'll let you all know how this goes in 21 minutes! Here is the video in case any of you are interested:

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What did I just do? That was a supremely odd experience. I couldn't feel my hands... It was like I couldn't move them even if I wanted to, but I didn't want to. I must have fallen asleep during the hypnosis but somehow had enough energy to put my laptop away. This morning I semi-woke up having a good dream and went back to sleep, except I was able to continue the dream. That was so weird. I can't tell if I enjoyed it or not. I suppose I'm mostly curious to find out if it worked or not.

It's hard to remember what Rob was saying, but I think he talked about how being alone can be more of a positive time than negative. I'll see how this rationale affects my upcoming fear confrontation. I don't feel as if I am "cured" of my fear, but maybe it will be less scary.

Although I'm still not sure how I feel about all this, I'm going to try another one tonight. Rob has another video dealing with breaking bad habits, including nail biting, which I have been prone to all my life. I've tried lots of things to get rid of it, but nothing has worked. I'm especially eager to stop now that I have a nail art blog in which I post photos of my own hands. I usually photoshop my cuticles to look nice, but that takes time. I hope this can help me stop.

Fear Confrontation: Sharing Myself

During class yesterday we were asked to go around the room and say a moment when we felt a strong calling to do something or feel a certain way. When it came to my turn I took the easy way out and chose to share something that isn't terribly revealing about myself. I shared a story about feeling the need to travel abroad throughout high school, which is true, but I was contemplating talking about a different moment in my life, one in which I felt my strongest calling. I decided against it because it would be too scary to reveal that part of myself to a room full of mostly strangers. I thought about this last night, and today I decided to, quite appropriately, share it on my blog.

One day when I was 13, I was lying on the couch watching tv with my parents and I started shaking, as if I was having a seizure. My mom took me to the hospital and at some point in the waiting room, everything went dark. When I woke up again, I didn't know who I was, who my mother was, or why I was in a hospital. My mom tried to tell me who she was, but I didn't believe her. I was rushed into a white room, where I was given a spinal tap. I didn't understand what was going on, so I was kicking and screaming a lot. My mom was visibly upset and had to leave the room, so I felt really vulnerable in there with the doctors. It was the scariest thing I've ever experienced.

The next day, I was in a lot of pain, which continued for about 2 months. A couple of doctors came in to talk to me to figure out what had happened and help me relearn my life. My mom was with me the whole time. She told me things about myself that I couldn't remember. When she told me that I had a sister I was really excited. Something clicked at that point that made me believe she was really my mother. Despite everything I had just been through with the spinal tap, something told me to trust her.

I'm not ashamed of this time in my life, nor am I sad about it. I just prefer to share it with people I know will understand. This is where a few of my other fears stem from - needles, because of the spinal tap, and showing my back, because I have a few large scars. I want the overcome these, just as much, if not more than my other fears. I've tried to get over the self-consciousness gradually, but I'm still not entirely comfortable. Maybe an upcoming fear confrontation will deal with my fear of needles, who knows...

Fear Confrontation: The Cinnamon Challenge

Like the drowning post, this isn't really a fear confrontation. Just something I did that loosely relates to my blog.

You may have heard of the cinnamon challenge, in which one attempts to consume a spoonful of cinnamon. Tonight at 2nd dinner in D-hall, Matt and I took the challenge and both succeeded! There's not much else to say about it, since we didn't do this: 

Oh GloZell. But both of us knew that wouldn't happen. We were pretty confident. Fear wasn't much of a factor, except I didn't want to look like a giant loser making a mess all over D-hall. 

Spoiler alert! The secret is to not swallow it immediately. You have to make all of it less powdery and then swallow. If you try to get it down while it's still dry you'll look like GloZell.

Why I'm Doing This

I've been asked a few times as to why I chose to blog on the topic of fear when it doesn't really seem to be an issue for me. I suppose I should have provided some more background than was given in my first post. I truly appreciate scaring myself. I want to become a fearless person. So far, I've done alright. I have tackled some pretty major fears in dangerous ways. But I still have smaller ones to conquer.

Perhaps I only like to be scared on my own terms. I get excited right before doing an adventure sport because I know that I'm about to be scared; when a pigeon flies close to my head in the city I'm not as happy. I want to completely eliminate my fears, both big and small.

I'm not sure why I wish to identify myself as "fearless". Maybe it just sounds cool. Maybe I just want to complete what I've started (why stop scaring myself now, why not scare myself until I no longer can?). Maybe I just want to accomplish something most others can't. Yet still, something compels me to do this. I guess I would be doing these "confrontations" without this blog, since I enjoy them. They get me closer to my goal. But I'm glad that this blog forces me to write about them and reflect upon what I'm doing to myself.

Fear Confrontation: Embarassing Myself

Last night, in an unexpected fear confrontation, my friend Matt and I danced for all of Skidmore to see. We stood on Matt's 3rd floor window seat in Howe hall and danced to Lady Gaga.

Allow me to explain; we are gifted interpretive dancers (not really). While we were studying abroad in London, we developed this habit of dancing in the hallways to Regina Spektor. We didn't care who saw us because it was so fun and our friends usually joined in. For the first time last night, we brought the tradition to Skidmore. What started off as an average interpretive dance session turned into a two person flash mob of sorts. We jumped up onto the window seat, turned off a few lights and opened the windows for everyone to hear. I was unsure about how everyone would take to our fabulous moves, but at least it was dark. People were surprisingly responsive; one guy started dancing with us on the ground below. Then Matt had an idea to make this more interactive. He made two posters of the hashtag #danceonhowe in hopes that people would see us and tweet about us. We wanted a bigger audience, and we got it. We noticed that a few people had told their friends because larger groups would walk by immediately looking up at us (if they didn't, we would scream down to them). People would yell back up to us and dance a little too. Eventually, our friend Brooks came up to see us and joined in. As cheesy as it sounds, it was exciting to make all these people smile.

It wasn't scary after a while, just loads of fun. The degree of anonymity did boost my courage. Seeing as we still don't know many people here on campus, I was nervous that people would recognize us and think we were idiots. It was helpful that our faces weren't too visible, just our silhouettes. Seeing almost everyone that passed by get excited about it made it more bearable too. If no one had thought it was funny, I wouldn't have been so brave.

We had such a good time that we want to make this a weekly activity. On Saturday nights around 9-10, if you happen to be walking through the quad, look up and join us! Also, don't forget to tweet us at #danceonhowe and tell absolutely everyone you know!

Fear Confrontation: Being Alone

The title of this post is misleading. This particular confrontation will be dealing with social situations; I intend on doing another one dealing with being alone in general in the near future. I just woke up and I'm about to go to the dining hall and eat by myself. This sounds really easy, but I've realized that I haven't eaten a meal by myself since I got on campus 2 weeks ago. This is my first time going to school at Skidmore, since I spent my first semester in London with 33 other freshmen. It was a fantastic semester, and I made some friendships that will last a lifetime. Our entire group was somewhat forced to become close, because being in a foreign country and learning how to navigate together was a bonding experience. We are closer than any other large group here on campus, and therefore, we stick out. It's been said that we travel in a pack. We call each other before we go to the D-Hall so that we know we have someone to eat with. Once we get there, inevitably, a couple more of us show up and we are eating at a table for 4 with 10 people. I realize that this must be detrimental in our attempts to make friends outside the London group, because we always seem unapproachable. But it is incredibly comforting knowing that I always have someone to eat with. It seems like very few people here eat by themselves. I wouldn't voluntarily do it because I prefer to talk to people while I'm eating. I also don't want to look like an outcast in a room where pretty much everyone knows each other and I'm still the new person.

When I go in a few minutes, I anticipate seeing at least a  few London people. I don't know how I'm going to deal with that, because it's natural for us to end up forming a table together. We'll see what happens. I'm not going to bring anything to do, so that I'm forced to observe what's going on around me. I'll update this post when I get back!
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That was pretty much exactly what I expected. I was a little nervous on my way in and walking around getting food. It was pretty busy and it looked like everyone had a friend to sit with. I found a row of tables for 2 by the window and sat down facing away from the rest of D-Hall. I guess I thought that sitting facing the other way would make me stick out more; all the other people eating by themselves were facing the window too. There were two girls from the London program sitting a few tables away, but I purposely didn't say hello as to continue my experiment (sorry Becca and Lucy!) I found myself eating non-stop, since I had nothing else to do (hiccups ensued). I just wanted to get out of there. I started listening to the conversation of two guys next to me. They were talking about the Beatles. Then something really interesting happened.

There was a guy sitting by himself on their other side. He must have been eavesdropping too because he said, "Excuse me, but are you talking about John Lennon or Paul McCartney?" He just inserted himself into their conversation. It sounded so easy. The three of them continued a discussion of the Beatles, vinyl records, headphone quality, Queen, etc. I was so impressed with the way this person essentially made two new friends while eating by himself. They even exchanged phone numbers at the end of their meals. I wish I had that kind of confidence. Eating alone was scary. I tried to make it as quick as possible and I don't intend on doing it much in the future. But maybe I will. If someday I could get to the point of confidence that that person had, it would be worth it. All of us Londies have been struggling to meet new people because we come across as not wanting to meet new people. Maybe we're prohibiting each other.

Fear Confrontation: Drowning

So I'm about to confront my first fear. I will be going to the Skidmore pool and treading water for an extended period of time. But I feel like I'm cheating; I'm not that afraid of drowning. I don't really think about it when I go swimming because I can swim confidently. I just suppose that drowning would suck. I'm more scared of somehow being stuck in a body of water without an exit. Hopefully, tonight, I'll be able to reassure myself of my treading ability. I don't know how long I'll be able to do it, but I'm hoping for at least 45 minutes. I'm not a fit person; I rarely take part in anything involving physical activity. This should be pretty difficult... I hope I'm not grossly overestimating (or underestimating) myself. Basically, I'm trying to push myself to the point when I absolutely cannot tread any longer, so I'll keep going as long as possible. I'll update this post when I get back!
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That was not what I expected. My friend Matt and I walked down to the sports building, where we looked clearly out of place. I changed into my "swimsuit" (a sports bra and shorts) and jumped in. Matt swam some laps beside me as I started treading. After 5 minutes I was bored and not at all fatigued. I started to frolic. I twisted onto my back, turned in circles, floated down to the other side of the pool and back, held my hands out, and just held my breath while remaining motionless. I looked really cool. After about 40 minutes, Matt and I were both bored and decided to leave.

I truly underestimated my ability to tread. 40 minutes flew by without issue. The fear of not being able to stay above water never came into play. This was more of a mental obstacle. Looking back at what I posted before going to the pool, I realize that what I was most afraid of was not being able to meet the goal I set for myself (45 minutes). Being able to tread for 40 minutes with ease assured me that if I should ever be stranded in the water, I would be able to stay afloat for a pretty long time. I would say that what I did tonight conquered my fear. Even though I didn't reach the benchmark I set earlier, I am confident that I could survive in that kind of situation (at least for several hours).

Like I said before, drowning is not really a prominent fear in my mind. I rarely think about it, let alone actively worry about it. But, I suppose I'm glad I did this. It raised my confidence in my own body. I wonder if many of the upcoming fear confrontations will work out like this one. I hope they do.

Pictures of Me Doing "Scary" Things

I am not scared of many things. In fact, I find very little that instills fear in me. Here are a few pictures of me confronting other people's fears.

Here I am zorbing with my sister Chelsea in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. Zorbing is a sport invented in New Zealand in which 1-3 people roll down a hill in a plastic bubble. There are 2 kinds of zorbs- the ones that strap you in (so you rotate with the ball) and the ones with water (so you slosh around inside it). I did both.

Here I am in an indoor skydiving wind tube, also in Pigeon Forge. My mom did this with me and I was so proud of her! This was about 2 years before my first real skydiving experience.

In April 2010, I was an exchange student in Suzhou, China. My exchange partner took this picture of me walking up a Buddhist temple. The staircase was really narrow and steep. The experience of staying with people I had never met before in a foreign country was scary in itself, but climbing the stairs was pretty scary too.

Chelsea, my dad and I went parasailing in Rincon, Puerto Rico. It was probably the least scary "scary" thing I could have done. Once you're up above the water it is incredibly peaceful and quiet. The view is lovely.

Also in Rincon, my dad and I took a day trip to do some ziplining, rapelling and canoeing. Leaping off the platform was more exhilarating than scary. It was also a really nice day with my dad.

This is the cave my dad and I canoed through on the same day. There were bats flying overhead but we were told not to be afraid of them because their sense of echolocation would prohibit them from getting close. It was still a little scary since bats are kind of like birds (one of my true fears).

This is a picture I took at a graveyard on Halloween night, 2009. A few friends and I just went for a walk that night, thinking that we would scare ourselves. Instead it was really just a nice walk. The grounds were well kept and nothing about it was scary.

I took this picture in the back of a helicopter about to fly around Newport, Rhode Island. My dad and the pilot are sitting in front of me. I guess getting close to the helicopter to get in was a little nerve racking,but otherwise it was just a nice ride. It was a fantastic view of the area. 

This is me skydiving on my 18th birthday (the first day of my life I could legally do it). I went with my friend Brendan, who jumped first. Seeing him fly away ahead of me was terrifying, but I had been so excited to do this for such a long time that I was ready to go. I had a pretty rough landing (more of a crash) that left my legs sore for a few days, but the experience was absolutely unforgettable.